Dear Ms.Conceptions: a column on leadership

Dear Ms.Conceptions,

I am a currently working at a church and I am frustrated by how often people make assumptions about me based on my position as leader in the church. How do I explain to people what they expect of me, is not the same as who I am?               Mr. E. Leader

 Dear Mr. E. Leader,

You are not alone! Hopefully sharing some of people’s common misunderstandings of Christian leaders will help you to share this with others. Some of the hardest things I have had to deal with are people’s perceptions of me in the following areas:

1)     That because I am a leader, I am strong. The reality is: I am not strong. I honestly believe that it is only because I am so aware of my weakness and my desperate need of God, that He is able to use me. What is strong is my conviction to be stewardly with myself and my gifts (which in certain cases may call me to leadership).

2)     That because I am a leader, speaking in front of people must be easier for me. Time and again I have had people say “It’s so easy for you to speak out, or to say such-and-such.” What things appear to be, and what they are, are two entirely separate matters. Speaking out and speaking up in front of people is never an easy task. Speaking out with the truth doesn’t tend to make you popular and speaking up in front of people makes me sweat (though some people do enjoy it).

3)     That because I am a leader, “leading is easier for me.” A leader with no followers is a day dreamer. You cannot be a leader unless someone is following. Therefore the reality is that my leadership depends on others making the choice to follow me. And that choice has nothing to do with me. So that can be easier or it can be harder depending on your point of view.

4)     That because I am a leader, that means I like to lead. This may be true for some people all/most the time. Or for others (I suspect the majority) we only like it some of the time. Recently, I was involved with hosting a group of people. The leader of this group was going to be absent, and she put me “in charge” of this group. While I believe that she honestly meant it as a compliment (and the fact that she trusted me was a compliment) at the same time it came with the assumption that I wanted to be “in charge.” But I didn’t. If there are areas in my ministry (and in my life!) where others can lead, I want to let them. (Though I will acknowledge that not all people think like this.)

5)     That because I am a leader, I must have a “super” spiritual life. I often find some people are intimidated to share their struggles with me because they are worried about what I am going to think of them. NEWS FLASH: I AM HUMAN. I also have struggles. I doubt. I re-act imperfectly. The reality of my spiritual life is what I do and who I become when I am struggling. There is nothing super spiritual about that: its life.

6)     That because I am a leader…I am not going to fail or mess up or make mistakes. Remind me again why are we all surprised when leaders fail or have large blind spots? God calls the most unlikely and broken people to be leaders. Moses was a shepherd and not good with words. David was young and had a wandering eye. Paul was not good with writing. Martin Luther was anti-Semitic. I am not perfect and I will do things imperfectly. I'm hoping people will have grace with me when I do mess up.

Hopefully this helps!

            Ms.Conceptions

PRACTICAL TIPS to Minister to Singles in the Church

The following suggestions are PRACTICAL ways that you can reach out to and minister to singles (this includes everyone from the never-been-marrieds, single parents, divorced, widowed etc.) These suggestions come from personal experience: meaning I either had someone do this for me, or I was the one who ended up in the awkward situation
*** I also make this disclaimer that there is no assumptions here about the genders when it comes to certain suggestions

10) Thanksgiving? Easter? Long weekend? Check that people have some place to go, especially if they are from out of town. If not, INVITE US OVER.
9) Offer suggestions (or if you are able do it for them) of an auto mechanic, car maintenance, or auto upkeep. Even make yourself available for fixing small problems in homes or apartments.
8) Make extra for dinner and freeze it in small portions to give away. It gets boring cooking for yourself. Or bless us with baked goods.
7) INVITE US OVER. Regularly.
6) It is more awkward for single to discover they have not been invited somewhere because it was all couples, than to have to refuse. And usually we won't refuse. We love to hang out with families, couples, other singles.
5) Invite us to sit with you in church
4) Stop making us sit in the back of your car when we drive somewhere. We don't need to feel like we are the lesser adult and don't get front seat privileges because we are not in a relationship with the driver. In my family, we take turns. Actually, with even my married friends, we take turns in the front.
3) I know that people are well intentioned when they ask me "why are you still single?" but it would be nice if that could be prefaced with either 1) do you mind me asking about why you are single? or 2) after I'm done asking you why you are single, please than ask me about my marriage.
2) PLEASE think about the comments you make regarding other singles in front of us. Name-dropping and character-praising are great things, but please make sure that things are lined up on both sides. Otherwise you can create expectations and awkwardness that don't need to be there. Singles need other singles as friends, because often we are in similar circumstances. To lose a friend because of suggestive comments is unhelpful. It  may also be a good thing to clarify with a person whether they are looking or not. Don't assume because people are single they they are not content with their singleness. Reversely, don't assume that because they express they want to be set up, that they are unhappy. When in doubt, just ask.
1) Did I mention: INVITE US OVER

Desiring2Delight: Adagio

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

DELIGHT. What does it mean to delight? How and what does it mean to take great pleasure in something...or in someone? Well, the Lord feels that greatly about His children. Do you realize the significance of that? This isn't just a happy feeling that God gets when He looks at us. No, it is a feeling of absolute pleasure. 

I think desire and delight are strongly connected: we all want to take pleasure in something and that often is expressed in our desires. The culture we live in today tells us that if we want something, if we desire it, than it must not only be right for us, but we have every right to give into it. And so we spend an inordinate amount of time pursuing our desires, whether they are good for us or not, and giving into them. And in the process we have become undisciplined; we have become slaves to our desires and let them rule us, rather than us ruling our desires.

And in the process of losing our discipline we have also sacrificed our ability to delight. We have not learned how to restrain ourselves...because we believe that restraint, in some way, means that we are not free. And to not be free in twenty-first century Canada is unthinkable: because we are about "freedom." 

I would argue that the exercise of discipline over desires is essential for a purer expression of delight when we receive our desires. Because there is an element to delight of the unrestrained, where one forgets oneself completely, and is free to take pleasure in something or someone. Where there is no discipline necessary to hold back...but complete freedom. And it is enjoyed all the more because we know how much work it is to restrain ourselves. And so when we can be unrestrained, the freedom to be so is all the purer for it.

Take a minute and reflect on things that you delight in. If that is too difficult - start with things you are thankful for and work your way backward.

Desiring to Delight: Movement 1

I haven't written in awhile because I was struggling with whether or not I was in a place to be writing about things I had learned, when at the same time, I was struggling to live them out. But as I sat in front of my computer today preparing to write that I was going to take a hiatus from blogging, I heard the gentle whisper and felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit say "why not share that with people?" After all, it is struggle, not perfection that makes us relate-able. The fact that we haven't learned things perfectly - and instead must re-learn and re-contextualize the lessons - is what needs to be shared. So: I type on. Even reminding myself as I type that God has been faithful in the past and shown me these things about myself.

Even as I struggled for many years with the sinfulness of my own human nature, I also lived in what I understood to be the grace of God. Yes, I knew that I needed forgiveness. And I knew that I was forgiven. And when I say that I knew that, I am not talking a factual and intellectual understanding that I needed forgiveness. I knew that from experience: I could see it everyday. I saw the selfishness of my own human heart. My motivations for doing things, even things, that to others looked "good." I prayed prayers for others but I also prayed for myself. Constantly I wrestled with my own desires to be a better person, to have purer motivations, to be less selfish. And in the end: nothing was good enough. I was still sinful.

So really: I had missed grace. In my desire to be faithful, I had not learned to be grace-full. I wavered between the deep desire to be faithful as a result of the grace I had received from the sacrifice and the desire to be faithful in order to receive grace; at times I could not even tell the difference. Because in reality: I did not know what it meant to be gracious with myself.

And when I slowed down enough this summer to spend time with God - and I mean real time - without distractions, no time limits, no school, not working more than one job, (haha doesn't that say something about me:), not involved in serving different communities at one time - it was then I was reminded of a verse someone had shown me a few years ago from Zeph 3:17:

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

 I won't say anymore. Meditate on this verse. 

Desiring 2 Delight: Prelude

The next few posts are going to be dedicated to some of my learning and reflection from my summer in Sauble Beach, and what God taught be about Himself...and subsequently about myself.

I grew up in a theological tradition that had a lot of emphasis on the sinfulness of the human heart, and the utter depravity (can you guess which tradition?) of humanity. Although there was (is) a strong emphasis on grace as a theological concept in this tradition, I realized that I had not fully learned how to accept grace with myself. Yes, not only did I understand (in my head) that I needed grace and was sinful, but I did see it in my own heart and life. I was sinful. My heart was not inclined towards service, but was inclined to selfish.

I remember taking an introduction to biblical counseling course when I was in university, and, what I remember most keenly was how physically sick I felt for about a week after that course. After spending forty hours thinking and meditating, learning and reflecting on the human condition, I felt that someone had shown me the darkness of my own heart and the inclination of my flesh, and what I saw was so heinous it made me sick; I was, quite literally, carrying around with me my own worst enemy. 

Now before you all jump up and shout about the need for the balance of grace, I want you to stop and ask yourself if you truly and deeply, and honestly, have considered your own sinfulness. I believe that too often these days, we pridefully make assumptions about our own ability and our own morality. I mean, its not like we are killing anyone, or stealing. We all lead decently moral lives it seems.

But is that what God wants? Decently moral people? In my opinion, morality can be the carbon dioxide of the Christian life; it silently and slowly lulls us to sleep because we less and less believe in the need for grace in our lives. Morality is not about a relationship with God, it is a lifestyle that is meant to be a by-product of a relationship with God. Sadly though, often even the church is unable to differentiate between whether a moral lifestyle is just that: a moral lifestyle. Or whether it is a manifestation of a transformed heart.

I was having dinner this summer with a couple from a church I was working with (at), and over dinner we were talking about how church is becoming more and more irrelevant for young people. He said to me, "I just don't think that people think they are sinners any more." How true that is. People no longer think they are sinners in need of grace.

Do you honestly believe and see your need for grace? 

***keep reading next post - because this is VERY related to delight - but as someone wise once said "there is a time for everything..."

The real secret: who are you when no one is looking?

This past summer I spent I good chunk of my time in isolation. It was a feast or famine scenario: either I had a lot of people around, all the time, OR, I had no one around at all. Not a single person.

It was during these times by myself that I learned a lot. Not just about myself but also about God. It was in these stretches of being by myself, these times when no one was around to affirm, support, direct, supervise, oversee, challenge, (in)validate, and any other action words you can insert here, that the truths of Matthew 6 were impressed upon me.

In this passage, the phrase "Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret..." is repeated a few times. It is the "done in secret" that caught my attention.  And we are talking about a "secret" so hidden that your 'left hand does not know what your right hand is doing' (my paraphrase). Others are not to be aware of your giving, not aware of your praying, not aware of your fasting. These actions, which are also practiced as part of community, are assumed to be part of that personal space that no one else sees. In Jesus words: "be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others..." (6.1) but do "in secret."

Why this emphasis on "in secret." Because the incarnate God also truly knows our hearts. He know that we crave human recognition and affirmation of who we are by what we do. He knows that tendency of ours to seek our identity in our performance, and our desire for definition in how we are perceived in the eyes of others.

BUT: it is when no one else is looking that who you are is revealed. It is when no one else will ever know that you scrubbed that toilet, or washed those windows, or cleaned out those cupboards. When no one else knows or even cares that this report is written or that you listened to that song. Or that you looked at that website or that you fantasized about that relationship. 

I'm not just saying this because the age old phrase of "well, God sees" is applicable here. I'm saying this because you are able to know what type of person you are from the way you spend your time when no one else is looking. The "in the secret" part is not for God to know who we are. He knows us more deeply than we know ourselves. No, the "in the secret" part is for us; it is a way that we are able to gauge and measure ourselves. And it is in the secret that our true selves are shown. 

So: who are you when no one is looking?

Things I miss about Sauble Beach & the Bruce Peninsula

Well, its only been two weeks since I left Sauble/the Bruce but there are certain things I notice about being in the city that I did not really pay attention to before. And I have to say, for all you city folks, we need to take a chill pill. (Sorry: learn to relax.) In no order, I miss:

-  families spending time together, facing each other. In the city it seems like we are too busy doing everything, rather than being together.
- the beach & the water (need I say more?)
- people drive here way more aggressively. note to city drivers: SHARE THE ROAD PLEASE!
- in general I miss biking everywhere
- it seems to me that when one has to commute in the country, the journey is part of the experience. In the city, it seems that commuting is an inconvenience. And therefore, naturally, everyone else who is commuting is also an inconvenience. 
- the fact that rest is expected when one is at the beach. life has a slower pace. in the city, rest is considered lazy
- trees
- being able to see the stars at night
- the quiet
- campfire
- snorkeling
- am I allowed to miss outdoors in general.

Yes. I am feeling nostalgic.