Dear Ms.Conceptions: a column on leadership

Dear Ms.Conceptions,

I am a currently working at a church and I am frustrated by how often people make assumptions about me based on my position as leader in the church. How do I explain to people what they expect of me, is not the same as who I am?               Mr. E. Leader

 Dear Mr. E. Leader,

You are not alone! Hopefully sharing some of people’s common misunderstandings of Christian leaders will help you to share this with others. Some of the hardest things I have had to deal with are people’s perceptions of me in the following areas:

1)     That because I am a leader, I am strong. The reality is: I am not strong. I honestly believe that it is only because I am so aware of my weakness and my desperate need of God, that He is able to use me. What is strong is my conviction to be stewardly with myself and my gifts (which in certain cases may call me to leadership).

2)     That because I am a leader, speaking in front of people must be easier for me. Time and again I have had people say “It’s so easy for you to speak out, or to say such-and-such.” What things appear to be, and what they are, are two entirely separate matters. Speaking out and speaking up in front of people is never an easy task. Speaking out with the truth doesn’t tend to make you popular and speaking up in front of people makes me sweat (though some people do enjoy it).

3)     That because I am a leader, “leading is easier for me.” A leader with no followers is a day dreamer. You cannot be a leader unless someone is following. Therefore the reality is that my leadership depends on others making the choice to follow me. And that choice has nothing to do with me. So that can be easier or it can be harder depending on your point of view.

4)     That because I am a leader, that means I like to lead. This may be true for some people all/most the time. Or for others (I suspect the majority) we only like it some of the time. Recently, I was involved with hosting a group of people. The leader of this group was going to be absent, and she put me “in charge” of this group. While I believe that she honestly meant it as a compliment (and the fact that she trusted me was a compliment) at the same time it came with the assumption that I wanted to be “in charge.” But I didn’t. If there are areas in my ministry (and in my life!) where others can lead, I want to let them. (Though I will acknowledge that not all people think like this.)

5)     That because I am a leader, I must have a “super” spiritual life. I often find some people are intimidated to share their struggles with me because they are worried about what I am going to think of them. NEWS FLASH: I AM HUMAN. I also have struggles. I doubt. I re-act imperfectly. The reality of my spiritual life is what I do and who I become when I am struggling. There is nothing super spiritual about that: its life.

6)     That because I am a leader…I am not going to fail or mess up or make mistakes. Remind me again why are we all surprised when leaders fail or have large blind spots? God calls the most unlikely and broken people to be leaders. Moses was a shepherd and not good with words. David was young and had a wandering eye. Paul was not good with writing. Martin Luther was anti-Semitic. I am not perfect and I will do things imperfectly. I'm hoping people will have grace with me when I do mess up.

Hopefully this helps!

            Ms.Conceptions

PRACTICAL TIPS to Minister to Singles in the Church

The following suggestions are PRACTICAL ways that you can reach out to and minister to singles (this includes everyone from the never-been-marrieds, single parents, divorced, widowed etc.) These suggestions come from personal experience: meaning I either had someone do this for me, or I was the one who ended up in the awkward situation
*** I also make this disclaimer that there is no assumptions here about the genders when it comes to certain suggestions

10) Thanksgiving? Easter? Long weekend? Check that people have some place to go, especially if they are from out of town. If not, INVITE US OVER.
9) Offer suggestions (or if you are able do it for them) of an auto mechanic, car maintenance, or auto upkeep. Even make yourself available for fixing small problems in homes or apartments.
8) Make extra for dinner and freeze it in small portions to give away. It gets boring cooking for yourself. Or bless us with baked goods.
7) INVITE US OVER. Regularly.
6) It is more awkward for single to discover they have not been invited somewhere because it was all couples, than to have to refuse. And usually we won't refuse. We love to hang out with families, couples, other singles.
5) Invite us to sit with you in church
4) Stop making us sit in the back of your car when we drive somewhere. We don't need to feel like we are the lesser adult and don't get front seat privileges because we are not in a relationship with the driver. In my family, we take turns. Actually, with even my married friends, we take turns in the front.
3) I know that people are well intentioned when they ask me "why are you still single?" but it would be nice if that could be prefaced with either 1) do you mind me asking about why you are single? or 2) after I'm done asking you why you are single, please than ask me about my marriage.
2) PLEASE think about the comments you make regarding other singles in front of us. Name-dropping and character-praising are great things, but please make sure that things are lined up on both sides. Otherwise you can create expectations and awkwardness that don't need to be there. Singles need other singles as friends, because often we are in similar circumstances. To lose a friend because of suggestive comments is unhelpful. It  may also be a good thing to clarify with a person whether they are looking or not. Don't assume because people are single they they are not content with their singleness. Reversely, don't assume that because they express they want to be set up, that they are unhappy. When in doubt, just ask.
1) Did I mention: INVITE US OVER

Lessons from kids: Part 1

 After three years of analyzing, over-analyzing, theologizing, over-theologizing (is that possible?), reading, writing, re-writing, editing, proofing, learning this and that theory and approach (think counselling focus of degree), this summer found me with an unexpected gift: a reminder of life's simplicity, as seen through the eyes of kids. The more time I spent with the kids the more I was reminded of things I had forgotten, and instead of me being the teacher, I became the student. Without further ado, or in the kid-language: here I go:

1) Life is fun, especially when you expect it to be fun. How often do I show up at events, dreading various parts of the evening, or already having thought ahead to what I can say, or can't say. By the time I get there, my mind is made up about whether I will have a good time or not. And usually I have decided for the "not." But everyday without fail this summer, North Club kids showed up (even early) ready and expecting to have fun. They looked for the fun in the activities we were doing, and in doing that, they found the fun. (Or maybe even made the fun?) Enough said.

2) Celebrate the small stuff. I remember being reminded of this when I was in Honduras. It is not that I know God's care for me through the big things of my life - but it is through the small little, everyday occurrences that are particular to me, that show His care and love for me. Therefore, nothing is too small to thank Him for, or to ask Him about. We can pray for everything from fly fishing, to friends in school, to grandma's health. All of it. Every last thing.

What I (Re)Learnt this summer

I can't believe it was the last day of summer camp...already. It has felt long, but short, at the same time. It was fun, but tiring; easy, but hard.

We went out in true style with a pancake breakfast with toppings that only a kid could come up with. Everything from apples, strawberries, whipped topping, cookies, jujubes, (yep, you read that right), gummy bears, chocolate chips...and syrup on top of all of that. (Really, I'm just sending them home on a complete sugar high to thank the parents for all the energy I got this summer.)

But I am thankful for a number of things that I (re)-learned this summer: (in no order, and with expansion to come in further posts)

1) Life is fun, especially when you expect it to be fun.
2) Celebrate the small stuff. It's important. And many small things make big things
3) The Gospel should NEVER get lost in our attempts to theologize...the pain of the cross can speak for itself, without us having to create four syllable words to describe it. The excitement of the resurrection shouldn't be forgotten. It was (is) the game changer
4) Never underestimate the importance of having your own time with God before you spend time with others.
5) Singing never goes out of style
6) Neither does a good game of Capture of the Flag
7) It's important that we learn to listen to each other and that everyone gets a chance to be heard.
8) Prayer. I had the goal of teaching the kids to pray out loud by the end of the summer. (Some did not even know what prayer was.) I saw this goal come to pass, thanks be to God.
9) The phrase "I love you" is not said often enough.
10) Don't forget to say "thanks" to those who impact you. It goes a long way to encouraging them to keep doing what they are doing.

\manda

Alas...the death of chivalry and the birth of confusion!

The following post may seem a bit random, but it has come from some recent conversations with friends and family on the nature of how guys and girls (men and women) are supposed to interact (this does not just refer to dating relationships but between friends of different genders as well). My purpose here is two-fold: 1) I hope to remind people of what chivalry actually is and 2) create freedom for the expression of chivalry.

First, if a man holds a door for a woman, she may respond with "thanks," and then proceeds through the door. If he holds the door for the woman after her, she may respond with "who do you think you are?" or "are you saying I can't hold open my own door?" and then angrily wait for the man to proceed through the door. One act, two women, two very different reactions. What's a guy to do? Well, in the end, I think more and more are choosing to do nothing.

In the words of my mom "well, it is all just so confusing."

What has happened here? Chivalry was the the code of conduct that came out of the medieval times and was specifically associated with knights. Over centuries it has come to be associated with the character of knights and gentlemen, and included: bravery, courage, service, loyalty, generosity and courtly love. In the past, chivalry was about the character and the honor of the man, which was expressed through his care and treatment of a woman.

However, in a society that is immensely self-obsessed, when a chivalrous act is done by a man, a woman will make it about her, and what this man is saying about her. Ladies, I am sorry to tell you this but: CHIVALRY IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Men: Chivalry is about your principles and out of that flows how you believe women should be treated. So make a choice for yourself about how you think women should be treated, and be consistent in that. Treat every woman with that same standard. (Which I hope will be a high standard.) I have a male friend who does this very well: he will do things like open the door for a girl and will walk on the side closest to the road when we are walking on the street. He does this for every girl.
Women: When a man extends chivalry, stop making it about you, and allow it to be about him. For some reason we have made the expression of chivalry about us...when it isn't. So in the case of my friend, I see that this is about his principles and not about his view of me or my competence. So I let him treat me this way, and honestly, it is nice. And making that choice is the act of a principled person...so this also says something about me to...when it isn't about me. Ironic isn't it?

May the games begin!

The other half

So I have begun the second half of my  job - which is running a kids club from 10am-12noon. Yep, its not long, but boy do those kids have a lot of energy! Already, I find the honesty of my kids refreshing and here are a few things I have learned from them (and people think I'm teaching them....haha)

- they are refreshingly ready to love you. I forgot how easy it can be to just look for reasons to like someone. I hope I can keep learning
- there is no guile - what you see is what you get and what you hear from them is what is. Yes, there may be the exception, but kids just say and do what they want. There is no masking of behaviour. What a person sees or hears from them...is.
- small things are fun. I believe this, but its easy to forget
- small things should be celebrated. Affirm what is good.
- they are expecting things to be fun, and with that expectation they make things fun

When did I lose this?

sign of the week

27 reasons to be thankful to be....27 (so original)

Here it is - two days late  - but in honour of my birthday I want to celebrate the things I've learned/gotten to do/am thankful for. In no particular order (or maybe in some sort of order...) and some serious and some not...here they are.

27. SOFT contact lenses. I did have hard. They felt like you had two pennies in your eyes.
26. Soccer (dear Netherlands, sniff...what are we going to do...)
25. Sushi of any sort
24. Volleyball - competitive - I admit I'm a bit of a snob
23. Hagelslag - not a swear word - and if you don't know what it is click here
22. Theodore
21. Jacob
20. Hetty
19. Laurence
18. Candace
17. Rachel (yes, some say that is cheating, but what else can you do with six siblings?)
16. My parents
15. the invention of scuba diving (I mean think about it, HOW, did that happen?)
14. that I learnt early that lying is not a good idea (yes there is a story here and it involves velcro shoes...hahaha)
13. Living in Honduras
12. Learning Spanish - I say "learning" intentionally.
11. That for once in my life having a name as dutch and a long as mine could be fun - I am still written down in the books through Central America as Amanda Van Helsing.
10. guitar
9. piano
8. my health - which seems to have a mind of its own - but I am still thankful
7. a growing desire to find something (not someone unless its me) to laugh at
6. friends - whom I am continually blessed to know and journey with
5. that I have gotten to study more and love it - yes I am a nerd -
4. traveling
3. sushi - did I mention that? - oh I must really like it
2. Afterbite
1. On a serious note, I am thankful to live in a country where the is freedom to openly worship Christ, and to have grown up in a family that follows Him as well.
\manda

My sister thinks...

What my sister sent me when I finished my course work for my Masters of Divinity. Thanks Hetty, thanks a lot.

Quotes from the family

Rachel: (nurse) "All my good decisions are made at the hospital. The rest is lunacy."


Theo: (7 years old) "I have no modesty."

FIY

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

sometimes...

sometimes you move almost exactly to the day one month before you move out of the country.

sometimes you move out of your house on days when it is really hot

sometimes you want to help move heavy things - but can't because your back is hurting.

sometimes you could get frustrated

or sometimes you could just enjoy the friends who are able to lift for you and laugh with you.

An interesting afternoon...

(the pics are off the field beside our house and our street - so not near the center of town where I was....I didn't have my camera.) But on the right - that is not a river it is a 2.5 foot deep drainage/sewer that is completely submerged.)

So I meandered into town this afternoon to sit at a bakery and catch up on some grading. (Yeah for the last time of ever having to mark Grade 11 History Exams!!!!) When I finished up I slowly walked down the street, heading in the general direction of home, but with no real intent of making a speedy trip. A few raindrops began to fall and before long I realized that this was not going to be just a quick shower - we were going to get a downpour. I pick up the pace and found myself in the local supermarket. And it poured and poured...hundreds of raindrops upon the metal roof (I love that sound) while I tried to look like I was buying groceries when really all I wanted to do was pay for my turkey bacon and leave.

But the rain didn't stop. And more and more people collected at the door and we all watched as the water level on the street rose higher and higher. Within less then half an hour the water had begun to creep up the entrance to the store. More people began to collect at the door - all of us hoping it would let up so we could leave. Alas, it did not...but instead the water level rose higher and higher until you could not tell anymore that there was a street - it was just a very large pond/river.

By this time I was bored out of my brain - and so I sat down in the restaurant and had a coffee while I worked on some more Spanish. (I know, I know...nerd...) It continued to rain, and when I had had enough I decided I would try to make my escape. When I returned to the front door they had placed sort of sandbags around the entrance and water was actually IN the store. We are talking like 2.5 feet of rain in less then an hour. I waited for someone to head outside - and finally a drunk man decided he was going to go for it. The doors opened and out he flopped - literally, because he fell and landed facefirst in the street-pond...after which he floundered around a bit, got his feet under him, and proceeded to fall AGAIN. (Much to the amusement of all of us waiting inside.)

Then the sun came out and the rain stopped. I decided it was my time to make a go of it. Slipping off my trusty Canadian tire flipflops I hopped over ther sandbags and onto what had been the sidewalk. Not a joke - the water was just under my knees. I waded through the pond the the amusement of other Hondurans around the corner. Eventually I made it onto drier street and padded home in my bare feet.

Life Lessons of Amanda: How to apply for Honduran residency #101

1) Move to Honduras
2) Begin application for residency.
3) Believing that you will only be there for one year state that you would like residency for one year.
4) Teach.
5) Wait for residency.
6) Really enjoy teaching
7) Decide to stay for another year.
8) Fill in more paperwork.
9) Wait
10) Wait some more while all workers in migration office are fired and new people are hired.
11) Wait some more after paperwork is stolen
12) Visit various places in Honduras and learn that if you had residency card you would pay Honduran prices and not "white prices."
13) Get frustrated.
14) More waiting.
15) Sign some more paperwork.
16) Decide that you are not going to return for another year.
17) Teach some more.
18) Learn that your residency needs to be ready within a month or you will have to start all over again.
19) FINALLY: go to capital to sign paperwork/
20) Get fingerprinted.
20a) Have powder bleach poured directly into your hand by the lady to wash off the ink stains.
20b) Proceed across government building with white powder in palm of hand, thinking, this cannot be happening.
21) Receive reciept for residency pickup within 60 days.
22) Realize that the date to pick up residency is exactlly to the DAY that you will be leaving the country for good.
23) Receive one year residency, two years after application.
24) Laugh.

Safety Second.

Yes. That is a power cable draped over the top of our bus. Safe.

To get the bus out the man lifted the cord high so the bus could back out. Safer.

I have seen people ride bikes.

I have seen people carry passangers on bikes: 1) infront of the ride 2) behind the rider standing or 3) behind the rider sitting.

I have never seen this before: A saddle on the back of a bike - (yes, I know he was probably just transporting it)

\manda

Sometimes being a (white) girl can have its advantages...

A few days ago one of my friends lost her phone on a side gutter (which has little slats - that are like 4 inches - too small for an arm) late at night. She couldn't find it in the dark and couldn't go back to retrieve it the next day - and since I was heading that way I offered to see what I could do. Others had thier doubts - put I voiced my plan. I would stand where I found the cell phone and look really lost and helpless. This would, I hoped, allow me to ask people for help and maybe, elicit the muchismo of the some of the men, to retrieve the phone. I don't think my friends believed this was my actual plan - but it was.

So the following day Brittany and I headed down the street for lunch, intending on stopping on the way to see if we could spot the cellphone. We found the cellphone, and Brittany went on all fours and tried to reach it but could not. I stood there and looked around and my eyes fell on three boys of around 12 coming toward us. In Spanish I politely asked if they could try to retrieve my cellphone. They tried and tried but could not. Traffic started to slow down and people started to gather. I went off down the road to a restaurant that we frequent and asked for a broom and a mop. By the time I returned more people had gathered - including a small boy - who with the help of his father and the broom and mop handles - was able to retrieve the phone.

Yeah for turning a usual spectacle of white femininity into something useful.

\manda