Desiring to Delight: Movement 1

I haven't written in awhile because I was struggling with whether or not I was in a place to be writing about things I had learned, when at the same time, I was struggling to live them out. But as I sat in front of my computer today preparing to write that I was going to take a hiatus from blogging, I heard the gentle whisper and felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit say "why not share that with people?" After all, it is struggle, not perfection that makes us relate-able. The fact that we haven't learned things perfectly - and instead must re-learn and re-contextualize the lessons - is what needs to be shared. So: I type on. Even reminding myself as I type that God has been faithful in the past and shown me these things about myself.

Even as I struggled for many years with the sinfulness of my own human nature, I also lived in what I understood to be the grace of God. Yes, I knew that I needed forgiveness. And I knew that I was forgiven. And when I say that I knew that, I am not talking a factual and intellectual understanding that I needed forgiveness. I knew that from experience: I could see it everyday. I saw the selfishness of my own human heart. My motivations for doing things, even things, that to others looked "good." I prayed prayers for others but I also prayed for myself. Constantly I wrestled with my own desires to be a better person, to have purer motivations, to be less selfish. And in the end: nothing was good enough. I was still sinful.

So really: I had missed grace. In my desire to be faithful, I had not learned to be grace-full. I wavered between the deep desire to be faithful as a result of the grace I had received from the sacrifice and the desire to be faithful in order to receive grace; at times I could not even tell the difference. Because in reality: I did not know what it meant to be gracious with myself.

And when I slowed down enough this summer to spend time with God - and I mean real time - without distractions, no time limits, no school, not working more than one job, (haha doesn't that say something about me:), not involved in serving different communities at one time - it was then I was reminded of a verse someone had shown me a few years ago from Zeph 3:17:

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

 I won't say anymore. Meditate on this verse.