...waiting...

Monday, September 10, 2012

The only thing I'm sure of is the fact that I'm not sure

I am in a place in my life right now where nothing is sure. In fact, the only thing I am sure of right now...is the fact that I'm unsure. In no specific order:
- I have no job (or no fixed income)
- I have no place to live (other than my parents, thanks dad and mom)
- I have no idea when, or even if, I will be able to graduate
- I have no idea what community/church I am being called to be a part of
- I am not really sure how/where I am being called to use my gifts, heart and training

In short, NOTHING, in my life is sure. No, let's correct that: nothing, from a worldly perspective, in my life is sure.  But daily, even hourly, I am called to remind myself of the words "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added onto you." Now, I am not saying to do A ("seek the kingdom of God") in order to receive B ("all these things") - because if we are seeking A for the purpose of B, then we are not really seeking A at all. No, I am saying that God is calling me to a kingdom mindset, even more so in a time where a lot of logistical things can (and honestly, at times they do) make me anxious.

What does it mean to seek the kingdom of God, in a time where I don't even understand or can't count on certain things (such as income) in order to live? Well, isn't that really the question? What does it mean to really live? What does it mean to seek, to look out for, to search after the reign of God? In a time like this, it means that it starts in my own heart. To let God's kingdom come into my own heart. To allow Him to work on all those anxieties, that lack of trust, that fear, and to transform my heart. It means to become even more a citizen of heaven, a person who is concerned with the heart of him/her self, and the hearts of others. In short, it is about the type of person that I am in this time of uncertainty. Because the type of person I am will change the way that I live in this time, and in that, I hope I can begin to have a greater understanding of what it means to truly live.